by Kimberly Rupert, TimeHelperz
I have always known myself to be overweight…the chubby kid, the soft/cuddly mom. I have never known myself without extra weight. I use my weight as a barrier to keep people at a distance…why would they want to be friends with you – you are fat, you aren’t pretty (I’ve heard this countless times in my head).
That voice, in my world, is Satan feeding me a line of crap! I never put the 2 together until one day I heard “Fear is a Liar” song by Zach Wilson. I’ve heard almost every one of those sayings in my head…but, the one I’ve heard the most is “I’m dirty and I should be ashamed.”
When I was 5, my “uncle” Lee molested me and told me I had a money maker as he touched me in appropriate ways. I was on the bed on the other side of the pocket door at my Aunt Peggy’s home. My parents (my Dad a cop) and my Aunt were on the other side of that door. I knew my Dad would kill him, if that door opened and we were caught, so I just laid there in that dark room with the smell of Aunt Peggy’s cigarette smoke surrounding me. He told me I couldn’t tell anyone because they would throw me away and wouldn’t love me anymore. I suppressed this memory and gained weight so no one would ever do that to me again. It was my junior year in high school before I tried lose the weight.
I succeeded, until…
At my Mom’s birthday party, my “uncle” Phil pinned me against the wall and said to me, “the things that are going through my mind when I look at you shouldn’t go through an uncle’s mind.” I went home to be alone. There went my weight right back on and more.
I lost the weight again in my senior year in college…met the man I thought I was going to marry. He begged and pleaded for me to sleep with him, while also saying “you don’t have to until a wedding ring is on your finger.” I finally gave in – he stopped speaking to me a few weeks later. About 6 months after, I received a letter from him telling me he only dated me to steal my virginity. WHAT A JERK! I became very depressed in college. I’ve seen him twice since then and he has high tailed it out of the building every time. One time, he was forced to sit behind me for a presentation at our alma mater. I couldn’t stop smiling because I knew how uncomfortable he had to be. LOL
I never thought I would ever find a man who would love me because I always had that little voice saying “You are dirty and should be ashamed of yourself. You aren’t good enough for a man to love, you are only good enough for a man to use and then discard.” Thankfully, in 2006, God blessed me with a wonderful husband, who loves me for who I am the weight and all.
I’ve tried to lose the weight at least 2 more times which I can remember. I’m sure there were more. Two times, in particular, I remember, losing about 20 lbs. and then a man whom I’d known for years would come up to me and innocently say “You look great.” There goes the weight right back on. I never felt threatened by either of these men. But, because Satan had that hold on me, I would put the weight back on so they couldn’t hurt me. I know exactly where I was at both times…1) in my office, 2) in my front yard walking the dog.
Bring it On…
At the beginning of February 2018, I started losing weight again. Since I’m being honest about this, here goes – when I started I was 231 lbs. – I’m down 10 lbs. The last two weeks I’ve yo-yoed with 2 lbs., isn’t that so frustrating! My initial goal is to be 199, I don’t remember the last time I was less than 200 lbs. From there, I have no idea what my goal will be, it is in God’s hands.
I know that in the coming months I’m going to have a similar situation(s) and I have to prove Satan wrong. I have to surpass that 20 lb. mark and keep going.
So, Bring it On, I’m going to prove you wrong because Fear is a Liar!
Note – neither of these “uncles” were blood related, one was married to my aunt as her 2nd husband and the other was living with my Great Aunt. Both are out of my life now due to death or divorce.